Friday, April 15, 2011

Communication? I think?

Our children grow up so fast. My oldest son Austin is going to make the huge transition from elementary student to hormonal 6th grader next year and I can’t help but fear what’s to come. We have already covered a lot of ground this year alone. The milestones of growing up and away from innocents have included an array of topics! My boys know the proper terms for body parts and the differences between boys and girls but the time finally came for "The talk"...... you know.........the dreaded "talk". Starting out with that topic had us off to a greaaaaaaat start (yeah if you missed it, that was drenched in sarcasm). I recall telling my husband multiple times "I just got peed on, you get to have The Talk!" and of course "Another 10 hour trip to the E.R. you are SO having The Talk!". He did try..........unfortunately holding a glass against the wall doesn’t actually work so after giving him ample time to handle the situation I breezed quickly thru and "overheard" him talking about Mersa..............Mersa?!?!?!? Really?!?!?! How the hell did you get on that topic?!? So once they were finished I asked my son if he had any more questions, an hour later we had completed our conversation. I do have to say when you get right down to the facts its quite difficult. I found myself unable to put certain clinical terms into a complete sentence. Using the proper terms for body parts is okay individually but when you look at your ten year olds innocent face and try to put them all together well......the best I had was an analogy that consisted of putting a key into a lock (better than my moms bee pollinating a flower crap). As it sunk in I could see the gears in his brain turning as he became more and more aware, and mortified about the concept of....dare I say it......sex. We both walked away a little traumatized but fortunately it opens the door for communication about embarrassing topics in the future (boy I can’t wait!).
After the effects of our conversation wore off I felt it was only right to take the next step and send him off to middle school with the knowledge that all of the colorful childhood characters that have filled his life aren’t real. I started out with Santa and he responded with "Sooooo I’m guessing the Tooth fairy and the Easter bunny too?". I’m pretty sure he was already on to me but my honesty made him feel like a grown up. In the hopes of preserving his little brothers wonderland I made him a deal. Keep your mouth shut and you can have extra money for a tooth, stay up late on Christmas eve and help me "set up", and we will be tackling Easter here pretty soon. The new responsibilities and privileges have shown his restraint and maturity. I figured the first time Noah kicked him in the nads Austin would be screaming "THERE’S........cough cough.... NO.....cough... SANTA!!!!". But he has handled his responsibilities in a very grown up manner.
Finally getting past the "Girls have cooties" phase he now has a girlfriend. I have to admit I had to fight the mental picture of a bleached blonde leather wearing tramp with a cigarette hanging out of her lips! I was very pleased to meet a cute lil hyper blonde girl with glasses........and of course she’s scared of me so that’s always a plus! As horrified as I am about him growing up and dating I still found myself giving him advice.......because I of course had so much "game" at 10 years old...........no really I did.....hop scotch, chutes and ladders, barrel of monkeys. I try to find the positive side of things so I’m focusing on how I will torment my kids and the poor girls they bring home to meet Mom. I have every intention of mowing the lawn in a tube top and daisy dukes, and I think for fun I’ll throw in a side pony and some blue eye shadow. Maybe I could talk about how they breast fed till they were 10? And for future reference I’m always open to suggestions!
When talking about relevant topics I cringe when my boys start a sentence with "Well my friends told me......". Not wanting them to be misinformed I’ll do my best to tackle whatever they throw at me as long as we can keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully by the time Noah needs to have "The talk" I will have a better analogy than a lock and key. We’ll see!

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